The Scarsdale Inquirer – Hometown newspaper of Scarsdale, New York 10583

 

Teen dating abuse program brings experts to SHS

By CARRIE GILPIN

Youth outreach workers at Scarsdale High School, in conjunction with the Scarsdale Coalition on Family Violence, have for half a decade run a dating abuse awareness program for all ninth-graders. This year, members of the Scarsdale High School Drama Club performed skits with various abuse scenarios just for parents. Afterward, the group stayed in character and answered questions from the audience, elaborating on the thoughts of the characters regarding teen dating abuse.

The three-part program held at 7:45 a.m. Tuesday, Nov. 8 in the high school’s Little Theatre, included a video simulating real life dating violence and a 911 call and, finally, a presentation from two experts in the field: Dianne DeFilippes, teen program coordinator/counselor at Hope’s Door in Pleasantville, and Deborah Mosko, assistant director of student health services at Fordham University.

Nearly 30 parents were in the audience, some to watch their sons or daughters perform.

Youth outreach worker Lauren Pomerantz, from the Scarsdale § Edgemont Family Counseling Service and a member of the Coalition on Family Violence, said she is often asked if dating violence is a problem in town.

“Unfortunately, it is. We know that dating violence can affect all teens, regardless of race or ethnicity, socioeconomic status, gender, or whether the teen dates men or women. In Scarsdale, students seem to report more of the emotional abuse, including extreme jealousy, controlling behavior, isolation, publically yelling and embarrassing a partner,” she said. “Physical abuse is generally underreported, so it is hard to accurately know how many students are in relationships where they have been physically abused, but we know it happens. These types of situations arise every year at Scarsdale High School.”

Pomerantz said the goal of the program is for parents to learn warning signs of unhealthy teen relationships and how to skillfully intervene as a parent.

The video clip, titled “For Justin” was made by Hendrick Hudson High School special education teacher Paul LaValle. One of LaValle’s male students was murdered in 2008 by his girlfriend as he was trying to break up with her. 

Pomerantz said it is more usual for girls to be the victims of killings, and the video itself reflects the odds. It shows a simulation of a boy waiting for his girlfriend in a public square. She is late, and he becomes enraged. The fight escalates into a shouting match, and the boy begins to shove the girl, dragging her to his car, parked at the curb. He throws her into the passenger seat and gets in the car himself, driving away. Bystanders, unaware that it is a simulation, are seen in varying degrees of engagement and distress. Several call 911, and the actual call is played, where the caller reports the car description and license plate number, as well as the descriptions of the two young people involved.

Afterward, bystanders are interviewed. Many say they were concerned and didn’t know exactly what to do, but didn’t want to put themselves at risk. Several said they wanted to intervene when the physical violence began, and a few followed through with the 911 calls. One bystander in the video is seen standing directly in front of the boy’s car, texting his license plate number to the police. She gets out of the way just in time before he speeds off.

The SHS Drama Club scenarios played out more subtle forms of abuse, mostly emotional. Student actors performed a skit with “Katie,” a freshman (played by senior Justine Gelfman), dating “Lukas,” a senior (played by senior Clint Frehill). In the play, the two have been going out for about six months. Lukas becomes increasingly possessive, ordering food for his girlfriend, getting angry when she won’t wear the sweater he gave her, isolating her from her friends, forcing her to choose between them, and pressuring her to have sex.

At one point Lukas threatens to widely distribute a sexually suggestive photo that she sent him. “That was just for you,” Katie says. He threatens to leave her if she doesn’t go to a senior party with him, even though she has previous plans to attend her best friend’s birthday party.

Katie says she loves Lukas, and that she feels he wants what is best for her. Although she is close to her mother, Lukas’s pressure leads her to lie to her mother about going to the senior party with Lukas, but she maintains she isn’t ready to leave the relationship.

Most of the bystanders interviewed in the video and most of the student performers/characters questioned by parents in the audience say they would go for help if they saw a friend being the victim of physical violence.

“But it is a sore topic and we don’t want to lose Lukas as a friend,” said “Zach” (played by Ben Newman). “This is the first time we have seen any physical violence,” he said in character, referring to seeing Lukas shove Katie at the senior party.

Pomerantz says she would like to see people getting help before things reach the physical level. The experts at the program cautioned against confronting the perpetrator of the abuse, saying it puts both the worried friend and the abused partner at risk. Instead, concerned friends and parents should go to youth outreach workers and other professionals for help.

Parents asked Katie’s friend Maria why she hadn’t reported the problem to a parent or professional. “She does love Lukas, and I am trying to fix it myself,” she said. Anna, another friend, said, “Katie’s best friend is Maria, and if she ignores Maria’s attempts to help her, then we don’t know what to do.”

Katie herself says, “Lukas is a really good boyfriend. He takes me places, he drives me to school and helps me with my homework. He is a senior boy, too.” Katie acknowledged she wanted the threatening behavior to stop, and said she would “talk with him. I really care about him.” She said she is very close with her mother and almost told her about the senior party, but something stopped her.

Parents asked if alcohol had anything to do with the coercion at the party. DeFilippes and Mosko said yes, that alcohol exacerbates the abuse but is not the cause of it.


Getting help

Mosko said colleges have services for students and also provide education and outreach. “At Fordham we have a two-week program for new students that addresses the issues, including relationship education, alcohol and substance abuse, and how to live on your own. We encourage parents to be on the lookout for behavioral changes, like withdrawal. Safety is a big issue on college campuses. Students should never travel alone, always in groups,” said Mosko. Fordham also has an amnesty program. “If you have a friend slumped over a chair from drug or alcohol use, and is not responsive,” you can call and your name will not be released to authorities, Mosko said.

Assistant principal Fred Goldberg, who was in attendance, said to the group, “There is a Good Samaritan Law that gives amnesty to those who report drug and alcohol abuse if the intent is to help and support another human being.”

Scarsdale Teen Center director Ellen Tiven-Moore, also in attendance, asked what a healthy relationship looks like. Mosko said when students are questioned about relationships they often give more “no” answers to the list of healthy attributes such as “Does your partner respect you? Is there respect? Does your partner stand by your decisions and support your goals?” than “yes” answers to the list of negative attributes. (See box for a list of both, and resources.)

Scarsdale Middle School outreach worker Emily Vallario, who was in the audience, said for younger students at SMS the focus is “more on the positives. We outline how to be a good friend, and discuss behaviors. The wording is different at the high school level.”

Both Mosko and DeFilippes said discussions on teen dating abuse need to start in the home. “These conversations don’t happen as much as they need to, maybe because in this community we haven’t had something terrible happen to spark it, and I hope we do not. Prevention is very important,” Pomerantz agreed.

Pomerantz said the coalition was grateful to the PTA to have a forum to reach parents this year, and hopes to continue it next year. Ninth-graders will continue to see the program during school hours each year. The event was videotaped and will be rebroadcast on the district website at www.scarsdaleschools.org.

Drama Club students who participated are: Gelfman, Frehill and Newman, along with seniors Lorna Begg, Sophie Nobler, Sunny Feinstein, Autumn Hamra and Stephanie Melnick; juniors Melissa Duarte and Gavin Elwes; and sophomore Christopher D’Silva. For the first time this year, the performers took their skits on the road, to a teen symposium on dating abuse held at Pace University in October.

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November 18, 2011

Warning signs of an abusive relationship

• Jealous or controlling behavior, including over friends, appearance and eating habits

• Sexual pressure

• Pressure to use drugs or alcohol

• Name-calling or swearing

• Losing one’s temper, blaming the partner for one’s behavior

• Insulting or embarrassing the partner in front of others

• Any form of physical violence

• A partner threatening to hurt others or him or herself

—Source: troubledteen101.com



Signs of a healthy relationship

A healthy teenage dating relationship includes:

  1. •Mutual respect

  2. •Trust

  3. •Honesty

  4. •Support

  5. •Fairness/equality

  6. •Separate identities

  7. •Good communication


—Source: http://www.kidshealth.org


Where to go for help:

National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline, 1-866-331-9474

Scarsdale § Edgemont Family Counseling Service, Harwood Building, fourth floor, 723-3281

Youth outreach workers at Scarsdale High School (each has an office near the cafeteria): Lauren Pomerantz 721-2468, Terry Frank 721-2675

Scarsdale Police Department, Youth Officer Detective Sherri Albano, 722-1204

Hope’s Door, 39 Washington Ave., Pleasantville, 747-0828, www.hopesdoorny.org

Free and confidential 24-hour hotline, (888) 438-8700

Loveisnotabuse.com

Breakthecycle.org

Scarsdale High School Drama Club members Clint Frehill and Justine Gelfman performed scenarios on teen dating abuse at a PTA meeting Nov. 8.